This Floating Poo Was Far Too Meaningful! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Past Year.
Looking back, we reflect on the television offerings of the past year, a handful of shows emerge not for their brilliance, but for their notable failures. Ranging from cringe-inducing sequels to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate spin-off? Plagued with woeful writing, painful arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the show struggled to justify its existence. For a moment, as the third series started, it seemed as if it had at last found its groove. Then came an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the creator announced this would be the last series. It concluded on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet flooded with poo was just way too symbolic. Yet, viewers undeniably had a hoot dissecting every single “wtf?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – danced around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a small sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the smallest of this drama's problems. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to start enumerating the flaws. The laughably leaden writing? The tedious glorification of affluence and consumption? The seemingly deliberate procession of tropes? Acting so poor they felt almost spiteful? Let’s just say “all of the above” and forget about this series again. However, a second season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Considering the legal troubles, abuse claims and parental failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d really have known it from this three-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive excess while failing to tell us a single thing we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this volatile personality was being indulged, so any sympathy this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charismatic but flippant egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we understood it was ridiculous from the outset: a thriller about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer love for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One barely reacted when his character died, and the other ended up slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about admitting defeat.
The Gangster Drama
Dodgy characters convening in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
Actually, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to indulge baffling accents. But there were many other problems. Mainly that it was just really dull; a conflict over narcotics territory between various London rogues which felt rather simplistic.
With Love, Meghan
Given the degree to which she provokes the ire of certain performatively angry commentators, it’s almost easy to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into quaint homemaking as intentional provocations. But then you view them and are compelled to admit that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue come to life; a poster for evening drinks with delusions of grandeur; a procession of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark sayings and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All underpinned by vast, mostly undeserved wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, self-image, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this documentary series opted not to say them. Rather, the experience was like consuming a marketing catalogue. She obviously has good reason to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she failed to do herself any favours with this guarded letdown of a series.
The Inheritance
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star playing dead and a well-known personality managing her estate. What more could you want? As players battled it out, there was plenty of betrayal and arguing. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too confusing to detail what exactly was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw glimpses of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up reeking of a programme that was straining desperately to live up to something far greater than it.
Too Much
How do you follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this glitzy romantic comedy about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, reveling in Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the shrewd recruitment of gifted emerging comics, expectations were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a single joke stretched to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be treated with care. Rather, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lurching from oddly jaunty, slightly mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A complete mess? Very much so.
Prime Target
We love the star … but did we believe him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the verge of a discovery that could destabilise society? Nope! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services spying on – and killing off – intellectuals frankly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This hagiography followed the online personality notorious for sexual escapades as she undertook her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was far greater examination of her true psychology, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have spoken to the legendary mum who showed up to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific shots and zero interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.